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Post by vespuleth on Dec 12, 2004 18:06:23 GMT -5
okay, yeah, you should really work on more detail. like i said before, you present a very simple sentence structure, andthat is good, but you empty all your sentences of detail with it.
and the dialogue was dry in this story as well.
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Post by Dungeon Warden on Dec 13, 2004 9:43:03 GMT -5
Oh well, I guess I'll have to keep practicing dialogue and discription. Thanks for the critic.
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Post by vespuleth on Dec 13, 2004 12:36:20 GMT -5
you know, your style seemed really familiar to me. on a hunch, i picked up my copy of brian jaques's 'Redwall' and lo and behold, very similar. have you read any of his books? if not, i recommend you give them a look, if only to find ways to better your style, as its alot like his.
anyways, i also think that while your style is not much suited for adult literature (my opinion only), it could make you a very fair childrens writer (like not little kids, like 4-7 grade maybe?). keep up the good work.
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Post by Dungeon Warden on Dec 13, 2004 15:20:47 GMT -5
Yes, I have a few of the Redwall books.
I do write for 4- 14 year olds (not at the same time). Here is a fun little story I wrote for 4-7 years olds. Hope you like it.
The Money Jar
Matt had a money jar on his lemonade stand. Every time someone paid for a glass of lemonade, he pushed the quarter through the slot in the top and the coin made a sharp clang as it hit the bottom. Matt liked to hear that sound. Sometimes he would pick up the jar and shake it just so he could hear the coins rattle.
One day a big nosed boy, named Pickle, came to the lemonade stand. When Matt saw him coming, he hid the money jar under the table. He didn't trust Pickle.
"Hi, Matt," said Pickle. "May I have some lemonade?" He stood there with a smile on his face.
Matt filled a plastic cup with lemonade and handed it to Pickle. "Twenty-five cents, please."
Pickle pulled a coin out of his pant's pocket. "Where is your money jar? I want to hear my quarter hit the bottom of it."
"Here it is." Matt picked the jar off the ground and placed it on the table. He held the bottom of the jar tightly and waited for the coin to drop.
"Thanks . . . loser." Pickle grabbed the top of the jar and pulled it out of Matt's hands. Then he ran down the street before Matt could stop him.
"Hey, come back here!" Matt followed Pickle but lost him when he went around the convenience store on the corner.
Matt saw Jeff come out of the store, holding a bag of candy. "Jeff, did you see Pickle run by with my money jar?"
"Yes, he went inside the store," said Jeff.
"Thanks, Jeff. See you later." Matt hurried into the store, but Pickle was not there.
Susie was at the counter, buying a carton of milk. "Susie, did you see Pickle run through here with my money jar?"
"Yes, I saw him run out the back door," said Susie.
"Thanks, Susie. See you later." Matt ran out the back door and into the park.
Pete was climbing on the monkey bars. "Pete, did you see Pickle with my money jar?"
"Yes, he ran toward the baseball field," said Pete.
"Thanks, Pete. See you later." Matt ran toward the baseball field, but he didn't see Pickle.
Several kids from school were playing baseball. "Hey, did anyone see Pickle run by carrying my money jar?"
"Yes, he ran through the alley across the street," said Julie.
"Thanks, Julie. See you later." Matt ran to the alley and there was Pickle, trying to open his money jar. "Give back my money jar!" yelled Matt.
Pickle growled as he looked at Matt. Suddenly, his eyes grew wide and he stumbled backward a few steps. "S-sorry. Here -- you can have your dumb jar." He tossed the jar at Matt and ran out the other end of the alley.
Matt caught the jar and held it tight. Suddenly, he heard a loud cheer behind him. He looked around and saw Jeff, Susie, Pete, Julie, and the rest of the baseball players standing there.
"Thanks, everyone. You helped get my money jar back. Let's have some ice cream."
Matt bought everyone an ice cream cone at the store, and he had just enough money left over to buy some lemons and a package of sugar.
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Post by vespuleth on Dec 13, 2004 16:37:09 GMT -5
the dialogue is volumes better in that story, as is the ummm... *tone?* its got got good feel to it. nice work.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2004 23:29:29 GMT -5
I like that story! Very good I must say (although I'm not a professional writer), but yes definitely very good.
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Post by Doan the Nado on Dec 14, 2004 1:52:13 GMT -5
A splendid children's story. It has the perfect children's story theme, to shelter young ones from the evil world by telling them that everything will be okay in the end. They will eventually learn the truth...
But honestly, it is a very good children's story. Feel-good and uplifting.
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Post by Dungeon Warden on Dec 14, 2004 14:16:41 GMT -5
Thank you for the feedback. It looks like children's stories are my niche. I wonder if I should make my RPG for 9-12 year olds? ;D
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Post by WarDragon on Dec 14, 2004 16:16:38 GMT -5
yes you should
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2004 19:27:54 GMT -5
With the character models a lot of my stuff has become more cute than funny. So I say go for it if you want, it'll be easier than setting a serious mood for the game. And with the mini games for each character thing I think it'd fit very nicely.
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Post by Dungeon Warden on Dec 15, 2004 7:39:30 GMT -5
The main plot of my story is somewhat serious but I could tone down the violent themes a little. Thanks for the feedback. I'll think about this.
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Post by WarDragon on Dec 15, 2004 17:59:49 GMT -5
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Hedrum
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Post by Hedrum on Jan 26, 2005 21:35:18 GMT -5
Okay, this isn't much, I know. But, anyway, this is a fairy-tale I had written for my English class:
"The Gross(but magical) Pie"(title) Once upon a time, in a land like any other fairy tale has. A house lied. Not only was this house just a house, it was a house like any other: a kitchen, a few bedrooms, dining room, etc.. However, the only thing that makes this setting special is that the story begins here... Grandma Jones, an unattractive old lady, decided to participate in the “best tasting pie” contest that will be held around the town square. However, she needed some ingredients first. So, she got off her sluggish old tush and headed down town.
Grandma Jones was treading along to the market to purchase those ingredients. Then all of a sudden, an older lady appeared in her sight.
“Yeez wants ingredients for making good pie?!” the older woman queried in a harsh tone of voice, “huh?!”<br> “Oh yesh,” Grandma Jones replied after being frightened by the older woman, “thatsh wouldsh be lovely ifsh yoush gave mesh thosesh. How didsh yoush know Ish wanted ingredientsh forsh pie? ”<br> “Then ingredients yeez gets!”the older woman exclaimed. The older woman then threw a bag full of the ingredients for the pie on the ground. Then she walked into the distance. “Thatsh wash weird,”Grandma Jones thought quietly. After that said, she picked up the bag and headed home.
That night Grandma Jones put the ingredients together, shoved the mixture in her oven, and waited.
As minutes have past, something strange and unusual was going inside the oven. Something was talking; like it was yelling our something. Grandma Jones looked up at her clock and realized that many minutes have past. Then, hastily came to the oven.
She had at last come to the oven and opened it up. “Argh,”the pie gasped and looked up into Grandma’s beady little eyes. Grandma Jones didn’t know what was coming over her. Was this just a hallucination? Was she dreaming? Ill perhaps?
While Grandma Jones was searching for the solution and the pie finally spat out, “you moronic, putrid, disgusting, ancient hag! I’m burnt! Stupid!”After the pie said its insults it finally sighed, “if only I were eaten. That would make me happy.”<br> Grandma Jones grew quite angry after the insults that the pie shouted out. She said to herself, “Oh wellsh, it’llsh besh gonesh bysh tomorrowsh”<br>
The contest had finally come, and Grandma Jones couldn’t wait till the pie was eaten. Many of the contestants had gotten their pies tested, judged, and Grandma Jones’s pie was to be judged next. “Nowsh listensh yoush little punk,” Grandma Jones said to the pie quietly, “don’t yoush talk and yoush besh eaten.”
The plate with Grandma Jones’s pie had finally arrived in front of the judge’s vision. The judge on the other hand, flung out his fork and knife ready to eat the pie in pleasure when suddenly he realized the pie was burnt.
“Ick!” the judged exclaimed in disgust, “guards, throw this foul thing into the forbidden swamp. Hopefully it will never reach this place from there.”<br> The guards took the pie and tossed it into the sickening waters. A minute or two before the guards had thrown the pie into the swamp, Grandma Jones headed home seeing how she had no purpose to stay at the special event.
The pie stood still, floating in the festering water. “I wish I were eaten by now,” the pie whispered to itself.
“You wish?”questioned a voice from the distance.
“Who are you?” the pie asked.
Suddenly, a flash of light filled with purples and blues shined. Finally, a figure of a fairy appeared. “Why I’m Fairy Godmother,” the voice replied, “Do you wish to be eaten or not?”<br>
“I doooooooooooo,”the pie responded with(strangely) tears flying out of the thing. “My poor dear,” Fairy Godmother said, “Why is that?”<br> “Well,” the pie started to answer with a sniff, “There’s this ugly old lady named I-don’t-know-what and I suddenly woke up in pain!”<br> “Well,”Fairy Godmother said in disgust, “why don’t we get revenge on that hag. Shall we? Hold on for a moment.”Fairy Godmother then waved her wand and zapped the pie. The pie now looked and smelled delicious. Not only that, the pie was injected with poison! Before Fairy Godmother was going to send the pie to the “ugly woman”, she finally said out in anger, “now make me proud by defeating that vile old witch with your poison inside you.”<br>
It was a nice Sunday morning. The birds were singing, a slightly cool breeze swept the village, and the great bright child in the sky was rising directly above the land.
Fairy Godmother, searching inside the pie’s thoughts, found Grandma Jones’s house. She knocked on the door. Grandma Jones got up from her antique chair and headed for the door. Fairy Godmother quickly placed the pie on the doorstep and then suddenly vanished.
Grandma Jones opened her door. “Oh mysh!” Grandma Jones stared at the pie with delight, “thish looksh delicious!” She took the pie and walked towards a table of hers.
She came to her table and ate the pie. After that, she fell on the floor, never to breathe again.
The End
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Draygone
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Post by Draygone on Jan 27, 2005 16:33:43 GMT -5
I've always wanted to write my own story. Writing stories is my favorite part of creating an RPG. Don't know how good I am at storytelling, though. I'd have to show something off at first. Although, there was one story I was showing off as a work-in-process at the Pavilion, called "Aura's Jewel". I got two good comments out of the 12 (I think) chapters I had written so far; one was for the foreshadowing at the end of Chapter 5 and the other was for an exciting car chase that followed two or three relatively boring chapters. It was all written on the fly, so it didn't have any advantages of stories that are otherwise planned out. Never got around to finishing the story. The hardest part for me is writing exciting fight scenes. I have such a hard time describing what goes on in a fight much beyond Guy A threw a punch at Guy B, who dodged the attack, did a backflip, and threw a dart back at Guy A. That's why I like writing stories for RPGs a bit better. Not only can the player see what's going on, but the battles don't have to be so complex unless it's a real-time battle (which I don't think I did too bad a job).
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Hedrum
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Post by Hedrum on Jan 27, 2005 17:11:40 GMT -5
Heh. Having some hard time describing grotesque battles? Well, maybe you should read "Forgotten Realms: Icewind Dale Trilogy" by R. A. Salvatore. That should give you some inspiration.
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Post by vespuleth on Jan 27, 2005 19:43:57 GMT -5
read anything by salvatore. he can describe fight scenes extremely well. ill list a few other authors when i get a chance.
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Post by Doan the Nado on Jan 27, 2005 20:15:46 GMT -5
I must say... interesting story... The main drawback for me was that you didn't give enough evil details on the "old hag", so she didn't seem all that mean. When she died at the end, I didn't quite feel the satisfaction that should occur when the bad guy is killed off.
Other than that, it was very imaginative, albeit a bit too farfetched. Pretty good story, though.
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Post by vespuleth on Jan 27, 2005 22:44:19 GMT -5
im going to have to critique another time... im sure you understand?
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Hedrum
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Post by Hedrum on Jan 28, 2005 15:12:20 GMT -5
As I've said before Doan, this was for English class. So, I wasn't really giving it my all. The teacher wanted at least 3 pages of story hand-written or 3 pages typed double-spaced. My rough draff happened to be 4 pages hand-written and my final draff 3 pages typed. And yes, Grandma Jones didn't seem so wicked even to me. Just wanted to make her kind of seem foolish. Anyway, if that didn't make any sense, that's because my brain is fried today.
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Hedrum
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Post by Hedrum on Jan 28, 2005 17:18:50 GMT -5
Ah. Here's another one. I made this one a year ago. This too was an English assignment. It has some relationship with Chaos Legends. Anyway, here's the story:
Feletis and the Clow Sword
Feletis woke up. He woke up in the early morning. Feletis has bright strawberry blond hair, blazing blue eyes, pure white skin and has a nose as long as a carrot. Feletis is a species of the Lithals. Lithals have features like fairies such as wings. Lithals however, are not magical beings. Lithals are half as tall as humans. Feletis had just got off his hammock and stood up. He gazed around the room. The room was carved into a mountainous tree. There he stared at his hammock. On the right side of his hammock was a window. The window held the sight of the great jungle. The vast and deep jungle. The sky usually cries over most of the day. The rest of the day, it is hot and steamy. Feletis turned around and left the room. He went to the bottom floor where his kitchen was. He had got some grain substance out of his cupboard. Then he started to eat it. After his meal, he went outside for his morning walk. Feletis was an independent man. He lived on the bottom of a big tree. Other Lithals dwelt in other trees. Although there might be several dwellings in one tree, Feletis’ home was the only one in his tree. He liked it that way. He relied on himself. As he started on his walk, he carried a short sword, like a machete, for chopping down vines that might get in his way. He pulled his head back, looking into the red morning sky. The rain would not start for another couple of hours. Feletis looked away from the village and headed off. He liked walking in the dense part of the jungle where no Lithals lived, so he could be alone and think. He was walking in this wild part when he almost tripped over a glowing object, stuck in the jungle ground. “Take me out,” the object told him. Feletis took some steps forward. It appeared the object was a sword. The sword was a platinum color with golden flames on its sides. Feletis stared at the sword. He was amazed at the brilliance. It was not rusted at all. The sword looked like it could cut down a large tree with one swipe, like melted butter. He could really use a sword like that. . “Pull me out,” the sword persuaded him. Feletis obeyed immediately. He had never met a talking sword. He pulled the sword out from the ground where it was stuck. A tickle of excitement shivered up through his stomach. “Now hurry and defeat The Great Evil Dragon. For, if you don’t defeat him, the Lithals will be extinct.”<br> Feletis remembered this particular dragon. He had heard stories about it. It supposedly terrorized Lithals’ homes. His village had not encountered it yet. It’s awesome presence was legendary. Although no one he knew had ever seen it, a couple of his own villagers had helped some Lithals whose village was destroyed by the wicked fire-breathing, horrid creature. They barely escaped with their lives. Some of their people had fallen prey to the dragon. The sword continued speaking to him. “ I am Clow, a spirit that inhabits this sword. I was a Lithal warrior who was going to kill The Great Evil Dragon. The dragon had been gone from areas where Lithals live for many years, but has returned and is trying to destroy all the villages, one by one. I went after the dragon to protect my own village. I didn’t know the Dragon had magical powers. I had a good position where the fire breath could not get to me. I had my sword drawn to kill the dragon. But then, the dragon’s eye caught my own. It had a strange light in its eye. As my sword came down upon the dragon’s neck, I felt myself being grafted into my own sword, and it fell to the ground, point first. It was as if the dragon smiled before flying off. My sword and my spirit in the sword have been stuck in this jungle bed for many days. Now you have found me. You must take up my battle.”<br> Feletis decided to go home at once and think about his find. He needed to figure out what to do with the sword. The smell of burning wood met his nostrils before he even saw the trees of his village. His fear turned to horror as he realized the dragon was there now. It was flying in the air, burning everything in its path with his fiery breath “Here he awaits!” the sword had told him. “Kill him now, or suffer the consequences.” Feletis held the hilt tightly. He ran to a tree and he climbed up it. The dragon was burning everything. It was a hard climb for Feletis, but he had climbed where he was level with the dragon. The dragon roared with fiery breath. “Die you puny Lithal!” The dragon spat fire out of his mouth toward Feletis. It missed him. Feletis then jumped onto the dragon’s back with the blade pointing downwards. “RAAWWW!” The dragon shouted in pain. The other Lithals cried, “WAHOOO!” The dragon then noticed that the wimpy Lithal had an unusual sword. He noticed it was the Clow sword. “Clow,”the dragon mumbled. He then shook off Feletis. Feletis fell to the ground and the dragon flew off. The day grew dark. It had started to rain as usual. Feletis was in pain from the fall. The rain had smothered the fire on the tree. Feletis’ neighbors had come to him. “Are you okay boy?” One of them asked. Feletis didn’t say anything. After that, the neighbors settled him in his bed and Feletis rested. Dawn came again. The sun was rising. Feletis opened his eyes and saw a neighbor of his. “He has awakened.” He said. "Now that you are awake, go and grab your sword. It’s outside. We would have brought it in for you but we couldn’t lift it up. It was too heavy.” Feletis remembered that the sword had flown out of his hand and fallen onto the ground. “Please sir,” another neighbor cried to Feletis, “Kill the dragon. It has left, but I think it flew in the west. Now please go, you’re the only one who we think can defeat him. You have stunned us with your bravery and strength. Now please go before he ever comes back." Feletis responded to the folk and talked for the first time in this story. “I’ll do as you guys wish. I’ll defeat the dragon. Remember my name. My name is Feletis.” Feletis started to walk from home. The neighborhood, in fact all the people of the trees had cheered for him. Feletis journey to slay the dragon begins. Hours had past. Feletis was still going. He was quite lost in the jungle. Hours became days. Still Feletis traveled in the great and vast jungle. Days became weeks. It was now that Feletis was angry. One day a strange creature appeared to Feleitis. “Have you seen a dragon fly by?” Feletis asked the creature. “Oh yes,” the creature said. The creature was also a Lithal, but he seemed to be magical. He was suited in green, and only his bright white face was showing. “Could you tell me where he went?” Feletis asked again. “Oh sure,” the creature spoke. “But, in riddle form I’ll tell you.”<br> Feletis did not like answers in riddles, but he then said, “look. Why can’t you just tell me where the dragon went?” The creature looked at him as if he were one stupid man. “Because I’m Miko. Have you not heard? Miko is a Magical Lithal. Miko knows everything. I tell only in riddles for the lost. So, do you want me to tell you the riddle or not?
“Alright then, Now listen.” He told him: “A mouth with saliva it floods, Dirty things ly on its buds, Sharp teeth it may hold, Filled with silver and gold”
After that, Miko flew off. Feletis realized what an idiot he was. He realized he could have flown up to the dragon, then stabbed it. He now knew that his wings were broken after the fight with the dragon. Feletis was frustrated. He couldn’t figure out what Miko was trying to say to him. Then, it finally hit him. Miko was talking about a cave. Feletis had started the search for the cave. Weeks passed. Feletis was tired. He wondered if the Lithals were getting worried that the dragon had eaten him. Feletis ignored those thoughts and continued. Feletis finally came to a cave. It might have been the cave that Miko was talking about. He entered. The cave was large. It looked like everything that Miko had said in his riddle. Then, Feletis shouted. “Come out wherever you are!” It indeed was the right cave. “Who dares enter my cave?’ the dragon shouted. “Feletis? Prepare to die you little insect.” the dragon got up and began to look for Feletis. “Where is he?” the dragon was searching for Feletis. Feletis made an attempt to fly. Miraculously, he succeeded. He drove his sword into the dragon’s throat. “ARRRGGHH!” The dragon cried. The dragon fell. Feletis assumed the dragon had been defeated. Feletis left the cave and headed for home. The sword had abandoned Feletis and had sunken into the water. It was never found. After some days, Feletis arrived. The Lithals of the trees praised Feletis for what he had done. Feletis was sure that he had defeated the dragon for the dragon never came again.
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Post by WarDragon on Feb 24, 2005 16:16:35 GMT -5
I have came up with this idea for a story at school in my word processing class for an easy grade but here it goes. Once there wa a man who thought the world couldn't be destroyed. He believed that the world was invincible so he started out on an quest. His name was Tom who was born with out a father who is his mother's brother. While on traveling through the woods he came across a boy named Alexander. Alexander was famous, a famous ballet dancer through out the world. He was abused by his father, he would beat him if he made an mistake during ballet practice. Alexander is practicing and made a mistake. Leslie: Damn it Alexander I said it's step, pivot, step, pivot and twirl. Alexander: But father. Leslie: Go and git me my whoop ass stick. Boy I know ya hur me fetch me my whoop ass stick. His father was also a ex ballet dancer named Leslie who is now a drunk. Alexander never wanted to be a ballet dancer no, he wanted to be a ice figure skater. Along with Alexander there was a woman named Tina. Tina would dress up like a man and trick women out of there money as well as men. She did this for a living ever since her mother left her husband for a horse and he died from eating to much pudding. Yes pudding the non conspicious of all evil things. This pudding could tear the insides of an elephant. No man could resist the chocolate double dipped cookie vanilla wafer pudding. They all traveled around the country side walking to europe, scotland and france. Tom could not find a solution to his problem. not finished
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Post by Doan the Nado on Feb 24, 2005 17:28:05 GMT -5
Whoa, I can't believe I missed Maxeross' story. I will read both his and yours (taizon) later tonight and leave some comments about them.
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Post by Doan the Nado on Feb 25, 2005 6:42:18 GMT -5
Maxeross: I really liked your story, and I'm sorry that it had not received comments before. I'm not sure if it was intended, but some parts almost seemed symbolic or metaphorical, like when the sword "talked" to him (perhaps it didn't audibly talk to him, but instead his soul), and when the sword was too heavy for all but Feletis (perhaps the villagers were ashamed that such a weak fellow had the courage to fight when all they could do was run, and the heavy sword is like their heavy hearts). At any rate, the story was great and I liked Feletis' character, although I think your structure could have seen a few improvements.
First of all, your simple sentence structure made for good reading in some parts, but most of the time it could have been improved upon. Specifically in the first few paragraphs, putting a lot of short sentences in a row made the reading awkward and broken. It sounded good when you mixed it up, though, like, "As he started on his walk, he carried a short sword, like a machete, for chopping down vines that might get in his way. He pulled his head back, looking into the red morning sky. The rain would not start for another couple of hours." I liked that closing to your paragraph, but an example of one that could have been very good if altered slightly was the second paragraph. I think it could have been slightly better to leave some short ones and combine others, like this:
Feletis had just got off his hammock and stood up. He gazed around the room that was carved into a mountainous tree. There he stared at his hammock. On the right side of his hammock was a window which held the sight of the great jungle. The vast and deep jungle. The sky usually cries over most of the day,. but the rest of the day, it is hot and steamy. Feletis turned around and left the room.
See what I mean? Beyond sentence structure, the one other thing that I didn't really like was the first paragraph. Rather than come out and explicitly describe him (and Lithals in general), I think it would have been better done more indirectly. For example, you could have used a phrase like "The young Lithal stretched and got out of bed..." to describe him as a Lithal, then have him do things such as "smooth his fairy-like wings and lift his 3-foot frame out of bed" or something to that effect. When a story is told about one main character, most of the time it's best to not describe that character explicitly. Explicit descriptions of others is just fine, though.
Well, those are my suggestions, but overall, I loved your story and I hope that some others read it, too. It would probably make for a good game story.
Taizon: Hmm... let's see here. First of all, I really don't like the opening, "Once there was a man..."; that's almost as bad as "Once upon a time..." Other than a few sentences in the final paragraph and that brief snippet of conversation, you are basically just relating facts like a textbook. Your characters and your ideas may be good, but you have to describe them with a bit more feeling. You had some humorous elements (an abusive ballet dancer?), but sometimes it felt awkward or misplaced.
A few things didn't make sense to me. Tom was mentioned in the first 3 sentences and the last one, although it seemed as if he is most likely the main character. "Tina would dress up like a man and trick women out of there money..." how did she do this? Are women easily tricked out of money by men? I would think this would be better if Alexander dressed up like a woman and tricked men out of his money (since he's into ballet and all). I don't really know why you put a smiley in a story... that was a bit out of place.
At any rate, it seems like a decent beginning to a story, but it definitely needs redrafted, and some characters need reconsidered. Your style seems to be well-suited to writing drama (plays), so maybe you should try your hand at that some time.
Thanks to both of you for sharing your work.
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