Post by NASH7777 on Dec 5, 2006 10:58:43 GMT -5
Ok I'm working on my entertain speech for this year. It's not finalized this is more of a draft. I'm thinking it's too long anyways to get the 6 minute limit. Quite a bit of it is funny because of how I portray the customers and you won't get completely by reading so use your imagination. Maybe if I get ambitious I'll do an audio recording.
Also the bold words, italicized, and underlined too didn't show up so things like *Breathe* is my actions, same with *cough* etc....
~~~~~~~~~~
Pie, Rye, Turkey Thigh,
Dye, Lye, Cottage Fry,
Meat, Beet, Low ‘n Sweet
What’s it called—cures athletes feet
Peas, Cheese, Anti-fleas
Sticky stuff made by bees.
Juice, Moose, Slaughtered Goose,
And those twinkies by the deuce.
Where do we find all of these things? No I didn’t mean your grandmother’s fruit cake, but none other than the grocery store. Breathe Aah yes the wonderful world of the grocery store. But how many of you truly understand this place let alone what it’s like to be trapped there for an entire day. Lucky for you, that’s exactly why I am here. Let’s take a look at the many different shoppers we have.
Yawn Aah, Bright and early Saturday morning 6:00, but I don’t find myself watching my early morning cartoons, Oh-no I’m heading off to the grocery Store. Hereupon we find our first type of shopper, the early morning shopper. The early bird gets the worm, and apparently the store’s full of worms. This is the shopper who arrives before I do and thinks that they should be able to follow me right in the door when the store doesn’t open for another 15 minutes. Lights aren’t on, tills aren’t in, newspapers aren’t out, nor am I clocked-in! But in all honesty the early morning is my favorite of all the least favorite shoppers. They’re usually quick in and out with their bread, milk, and eggs.
Now I don’t stay up front all day. I find myself facing and straightening shelves. It is in this time I find the trails of another kind of shopper. The lazy shopper. (Acting Transition) Brrr It’s pretty cold facing these freezers… but what’s this?... I didn’t know we sold frozen Mt. Dew! Apparently some customer thought we should. Yes the lazy shopper decides to put things back that they no longer want, however they put them back at wherever in the store they currently are. Now people, if you don’t want something bring it to the front with you and we’ll put it back for you- properly- at least this way we know the product isn’t being damaged.
When working up by the tills one may run into the occasional “angry shopper.”
“I bought these grapes and you charged me 30¢ more. The sign said they were on sale.”
‘Well sir, had you read the sign more carefully you would have noticed that it said the green grapes were on sale and you bought the red grapes.’
“But I don’t like green grapes!”
‘Then I guess you have to pay more for red grapes.’
“Well why are the green grapes nect to the red ones with the sale sign? I want my 30¢ back!”
Sometimes I think it would be easier to take the hit and just give them the money. I usually can manage a whole 30¢.
‘Sir, would you like us to move the green grapes all the way to one end and the red grapes to the other?’
Occasionally the angry shopper can be mixed with the picky shopper.
“How come you don’t have any peanut butter!?”
Look ‘Umm sir, what are you talking about. We have tons of peanut butter. We have regular, crunchy, and even extra crunchy in Jiff, Skippy, and Our Family brands.’
“Yeah but I wanted Peter Pan brand.”
We’re a small store, we can’t have every single brand of peanut butter, ‘Well if you’d like I could order it for you.’
“Baah I don’t want it anymore.”
Here in the grocery store we get rid of two types of things, the ‘damaged’ and the ‘damn aged,’ unfortunately this doesn’t work for our customers. Don’t get me wrong, I love old people. I think they happen to be some of the nicest, most loving people around. But not all old people are the same. We come the crazy shopper and the smelly shopper. The damaged and damn-aged. People please, if you don’t shower or bathe at least put on some cologne. I’d much rather gag on your cologne than your smell of spoiled milk and B.O.
“I got another winner!”
“Put your boyfriend on the scale?”
“Are you an artist?”
“If it’s like buy one get one free can I get a refund on the one I buy?’
“I don’t get it.”
These are just a few of the lines I get from our ‘damaged’ shopper.
Finally I make it all the way to the last 5 minutes. It’s been dead for the last ½ hour, but it’s not over yet. Oh-yes 5 cars just pulled up. My least favorite shopper. The last minute shopper. Some people have no choice because of their job and what not – I forgive them, but surprisingly the majority of last minute shoppers are those that sit at home all day doing nothing.
You’ve heard of the many types of shoppers but this isn’t the end. For there exists a shopper worse than all of the prior. Why? Because there’s the combination shopper. As you can guess, these people have a multiple of these traits. My least favorite combination shopper, not to mention any names cough Tony cough cough, happens to not only be a last minute shopper but also a messy shopper. After I’ve already swept and am about to lock the door, here he comes. Grabbing a handful of peanuts he proceeds to eat them through the aisles leaving Hansel and Gretel tracks all over. Also, he doesn’t pay for the peanuts.
Now this speech may come across as being purely negative. My goal is in hoping to address these shoppers so that in the case you happen to be one of these, you can work to reformation. You can become a the good tipper, the entertaining shopper, the frequent shopper, the happy-go-lucky shopper. So if you are one of these bad shoppers, here’s my solution.
Early Shopper~Stay up later, wake up later!
Lazy Shopper~I fyou don’t want something give it to us to put back. If you knock something over, let us know.
Angry Shopper~Pay more attention to what the signs actually say and if you respect us, we’ll respect you.
Damaged Shopper~Shop with a friend whose less senile.
Damn-Aged Shopper~Buy some cologne and Febreeze next time you’re in.
Last Minute Shopper~Pay attention to our hours, we post them on the doors and you can always call ahead to check.
And Combination Shopper~Well you’ve got a lot of work to do, call me if you need help.
I hope you’ve come to realize that working in the grocery store isn’t all fun and games and that if you’re one of the ‘bad’ shoppers at least you can acknowledge it now.
Also the bold words, italicized, and underlined too didn't show up so things like *Breathe* is my actions, same with *cough* etc....
~~~~~~~~~~
Pie, Rye, Turkey Thigh,
Dye, Lye, Cottage Fry,
Meat, Beet, Low ‘n Sweet
What’s it called—cures athletes feet
Peas, Cheese, Anti-fleas
Sticky stuff made by bees.
Juice, Moose, Slaughtered Goose,
And those twinkies by the deuce.
Where do we find all of these things? No I didn’t mean your grandmother’s fruit cake, but none other than the grocery store. Breathe Aah yes the wonderful world of the grocery store. But how many of you truly understand this place let alone what it’s like to be trapped there for an entire day. Lucky for you, that’s exactly why I am here. Let’s take a look at the many different shoppers we have.
Yawn Aah, Bright and early Saturday morning 6:00, but I don’t find myself watching my early morning cartoons, Oh-no I’m heading off to the grocery Store. Hereupon we find our first type of shopper, the early morning shopper. The early bird gets the worm, and apparently the store’s full of worms. This is the shopper who arrives before I do and thinks that they should be able to follow me right in the door when the store doesn’t open for another 15 minutes. Lights aren’t on, tills aren’t in, newspapers aren’t out, nor am I clocked-in! But in all honesty the early morning is my favorite of all the least favorite shoppers. They’re usually quick in and out with their bread, milk, and eggs.
Now I don’t stay up front all day. I find myself facing and straightening shelves. It is in this time I find the trails of another kind of shopper. The lazy shopper. (Acting Transition) Brrr It’s pretty cold facing these freezers… but what’s this?... I didn’t know we sold frozen Mt. Dew! Apparently some customer thought we should. Yes the lazy shopper decides to put things back that they no longer want, however they put them back at wherever in the store they currently are. Now people, if you don’t want something bring it to the front with you and we’ll put it back for you- properly- at least this way we know the product isn’t being damaged.
When working up by the tills one may run into the occasional “angry shopper.”
“I bought these grapes and you charged me 30¢ more. The sign said they were on sale.”
‘Well sir, had you read the sign more carefully you would have noticed that it said the green grapes were on sale and you bought the red grapes.’
“But I don’t like green grapes!”
‘Then I guess you have to pay more for red grapes.’
“Well why are the green grapes nect to the red ones with the sale sign? I want my 30¢ back!”
Sometimes I think it would be easier to take the hit and just give them the money. I usually can manage a whole 30¢.
‘Sir, would you like us to move the green grapes all the way to one end and the red grapes to the other?’
Occasionally the angry shopper can be mixed with the picky shopper.
“How come you don’t have any peanut butter!?”
Look ‘Umm sir, what are you talking about. We have tons of peanut butter. We have regular, crunchy, and even extra crunchy in Jiff, Skippy, and Our Family brands.’
“Yeah but I wanted Peter Pan brand.”
We’re a small store, we can’t have every single brand of peanut butter, ‘Well if you’d like I could order it for you.’
“Baah I don’t want it anymore.”
Here in the grocery store we get rid of two types of things, the ‘damaged’ and the ‘damn aged,’ unfortunately this doesn’t work for our customers. Don’t get me wrong, I love old people. I think they happen to be some of the nicest, most loving people around. But not all old people are the same. We come the crazy shopper and the smelly shopper. The damaged and damn-aged. People please, if you don’t shower or bathe at least put on some cologne. I’d much rather gag on your cologne than your smell of spoiled milk and B.O.
“I got another winner!”
“Put your boyfriend on the scale?”
“Are you an artist?”
“If it’s like buy one get one free can I get a refund on the one I buy?’
“I don’t get it.”
These are just a few of the lines I get from our ‘damaged’ shopper.
Finally I make it all the way to the last 5 minutes. It’s been dead for the last ½ hour, but it’s not over yet. Oh-yes 5 cars just pulled up. My least favorite shopper. The last minute shopper. Some people have no choice because of their job and what not – I forgive them, but surprisingly the majority of last minute shoppers are those that sit at home all day doing nothing.
You’ve heard of the many types of shoppers but this isn’t the end. For there exists a shopper worse than all of the prior. Why? Because there’s the combination shopper. As you can guess, these people have a multiple of these traits. My least favorite combination shopper, not to mention any names cough Tony cough cough, happens to not only be a last minute shopper but also a messy shopper. After I’ve already swept and am about to lock the door, here he comes. Grabbing a handful of peanuts he proceeds to eat them through the aisles leaving Hansel and Gretel tracks all over. Also, he doesn’t pay for the peanuts.
Now this speech may come across as being purely negative. My goal is in hoping to address these shoppers so that in the case you happen to be one of these, you can work to reformation. You can become a the good tipper, the entertaining shopper, the frequent shopper, the happy-go-lucky shopper. So if you are one of these bad shoppers, here’s my solution.
Early Shopper~Stay up later, wake up later!
Lazy Shopper~I fyou don’t want something give it to us to put back. If you knock something over, let us know.
Angry Shopper~Pay more attention to what the signs actually say and if you respect us, we’ll respect you.
Damaged Shopper~Shop with a friend whose less senile.
Damn-Aged Shopper~Buy some cologne and Febreeze next time you’re in.
Last Minute Shopper~Pay attention to our hours, we post them on the doors and you can always call ahead to check.
And Combination Shopper~Well you’ve got a lot of work to do, call me if you need help.
I hope you’ve come to realize that working in the grocery store isn’t all fun and games and that if you’re one of the ‘bad’ shoppers at least you can acknowledge it now.
