Worst Jokes of All Time!

[Rodak]

Here's my nomination:


So this guy who works at an aquarium gets summoned by his boss, who is looking very worried.

And she says to him "I've just been by the Dolphin Tanks, and they're feeling very amourous... They're doing all sorts of things to each other. And the trouble is; in less than an hour we've got three busloads of second graders coming. We can't have them watching those naughty dolphins behaving as if they're in a porno flick.

Now there's only one thing that acts as an anti-aphrodisiac for dolphins, and it's the meat of baby seagulls.

So I want you to go down to the Sea Shore, grab some baby seagulls, put them in this bag, and hurry on back.

But be carefull... A lion escaped from the zoo this morning, and although he was heavily sedated, he still just might be dangerous.

Now get going, and hurry on back!"

So the guy takes a shortcut through the forest to the sea shore, fills the bag with baby sea gulls, and he's walking back through the forest when he sees the lion! And it is lying across the path directly in front of him.

It's too late to run away. And the feline does seem very placid.

So, summoning up all his courage, he steps across the lion!

Nothing happens.

And so with much relief the guy begins to resume his journey when all of a sudden a Policeman jumps out of the forest, grabs the guy by the arm, and says to him "YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!!"

The guy can't believe it.

He says, "Tell me officer, What's the charge?"

And the Policeman says...









Transporting young gulls Across a State lion for immoral porpoises!







Good Night Folks!

[CajunGaijiin]

In a cave on a tall hill there lived a group of small, brownie like creatures known as the Trids. The Trids lived on their hill quite peacefully until one day, a large and terrible troll came among them. Laughing cruelly, the troll chased down the Trids and, one by one, grabbed them, and then drop kicked them as hard as he could. He kicked them so hard that they sailed miles through the air and landed in a barren dusty plain miles away. Then the troll settled in the cave.

With bruised tuckuses and bruised egos, the Trids gathered together to decide what to do. The younger Trids, hot tempered and reckless, left the elders debating endlessly and, gathering up their Trid spears and shields, marched up the hill to battle the troll and regain their home. They fought with great courage, but trollskin is hard as rock, and the tiny Trid spears didn't even make a scratch. Laughing hysterically, the troll captured all the Trid warriors and, one by one, booted 'em off the hill.

Next, the Trids tried charm. Gathering together the most beautiful and talented of the Trid maidens, they sent a delegation carrying beautiful flowers and formed a semi-circle around the troll's cave. They then began to sing, with voices like angels. The troll stood at the entrance to the cave, listening with a half smile, and did not move until the Trid maidens had finished their song. The troll then applauded loudly and grunted, "That was beautiful ladies." Then , laughing gleefully, he caught the Trid maidens and, one by one, kicked them off the hill.

And so it went. The Trids tried everything they could think of to no avail. All their efforts gained them were sore butts and frequent flier miles. The Trids were at their wits end. Winter was coming and supplies were running short. Finally, the oldest Trid of them all said, "In the Human village down the valley, there lives a Rabbi who is said to be both kind and wise. I will go to him and see if he can help us."

The old Trid made his way to the human village and, after some difficulty, found himself standing before the Rabbi. "Well, Hello Trid!," said the Rabbi in surprise. "What brings you so far from your hill?" The Rabbi listened gravely as the Trid elder explained the situation. Then he said, "Oy, that is a terrible thing and a great injustice. I don't know what I can do. I am only a man, and no fighter of ferocious trolls. Still, I will go see this troll, and if I can help you in your plight , I will."

So it was, with no small amount of trepidation, the Rabbi made his way up the tall hill to the cave. He approached cautiously, not knowing what to expect. Suddenly the ground trembled and the Troll stood before him. The troll looked down at the Rabbi and said." Rabbi! Welcome, won't you please come in."
In growing confusion, the Rabbi followed the troll into the cave, where he was served excellent tea, and better biscuits, and spent a pleasant hour with the troll who was a charming and amiable conversationalist. Finally, the Rabbi said, " I must say, Mr. Troll, this was not what I expected."

"Really?," the troll replied,"Why is that?"

"Well, you have been a most charming host, I cannot fault your hospitality. You have been kind to me, and yet when the Trids come to you, you kick them all off the hill. Why is that?"

The troll laughed loudly and said,












"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

[The Smurf]

Alvin's Flowers flourished. customers bought flowers by the dozens every day...of course until one afternoon when a couple of monks set up shop across the street. they started their own flower shop and took all the customers away. Alvin walked up to the monk in charge a week later and kindly asked him to close down the new shop, but the monk refused. Alvin tried again the next week, but with no success. at this point he became frustrated. he hired a professional boxer named Hugh to beat up the monks. after the beating, the monks closed up shop and ran away...proving that only Hugh can prevent flourist friars.

the Holiday Inn was chosen to host this year's chess convention. all of the greatest chess players assembled in the hotel's lobby and began talking about their greatest moves. soon the talking turned into bragging which eventually led to arguing. the manager entered the room and kindly asked the guests to quiet down so they wouldn't disturb the peace. they ignored him. eventually the manager lost control and ordered everyone out, saying "if there's one thing i can't stand it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"

Jackson and Johnson were the first boll weevils to graduate from Yale University. Jackson went on to become the greatest judge in history. Johnson gambled his diploma away and became a bum on the street. he is, of course, the lesser of two weevils.

reports of a wandering fortune teller have been popping up all over philadelphia. he is said to have horrendous breath and terrible blisters on his feet. he is old - about seventy. he is accused of fraud and thievery. everyone be on the lookout for a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by hallitosis.

Marie just gave birth to identical twins, but did not have the money to support them. she gave them up for adoption. one of them was adopted by a Middle Eastern family and was named Ahmal. the other was adopted by a Mexican family and was named Juan. after ten years Marie received a postcard with a picture of Juan. her husband noticed her crying and when he asked her why she responded: "why haven't i received a postcard from Ahmal?" to which the husband replied: "for God's sake! they're identical twins! if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

that should do it for now.


-the smurf

[NASH7777]

A domain joke ONLY~~


Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Doan
~Doan Who?
Doan ya know who this is?

[Doan the Nado]

^^^ LOL Thanks Nash ^^^

I'll have to use that one on my friends.

Funny jokes, all!

[christi]

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who owned a very shaggy dog. His dog was, in fact, so shaggy that when the local newspapers announced the upcoming "Shaggiest Dog on the Street" contest, he pre-registered, knowing for sure that his dog would win.

The day of the contest finally rolled around, and the little boy waited patiently for his dog to be judged. Eventually, the judge stopped in front of the dog, peered over the rims of his dark sunglasses, and said...

"Boy, that 's by far the shaggiest dog I've ever seen. How did that dog get to be so shaggy?"

"Well, that's easy," said the boy. "I've just never given him a haircut."

"Congratulations," said the judge, presenting the boy with a trophy. "Your dog's just won the contest, and moreover, you're automatically qualified to compete in the next round... the "Shaggiest Dog on the Block" contest!

The little boy was very excited for his dog, knowing that by the time the next contest rolled around, it would be even shaggier. When the big day finally came, the little boy waited patiently for his dog to be judged. Eventually, the judge stopped in front of the dog, peered over the rims of his dark sunglasses, and said...

"Boy, that 's by far the shaggiest dog I've ever seen. How did that dog get to be so shaggy?"

"Well, that's easy," said the boy. "I've just never given him a haircut."

"Congratulations," said the judge, presenting the boy with a trophy. "Your dog's just won the contest, and moreover, you're automatically qualified to compete in the next round... the "Shaggiest Dog in the Neighborhood" contest!

The little boy was very excited for his dog, knowing that by the time the next contest rolled around, it would be even shaggier. When the big day finally came, the little boy waited patiently for his dog to be judged. Eventually, the judge stopped in front of the dog, peered over the rims of his dark sunglasses, and said...

"Boy, that 's by far the shaggiest dog I've ever seen. How did that dog get to be so shaggy?"

"Well, that's easy," said the boy. "I've just never given him a haircut."

"Congratulations," said the judge, presenting the boy with a trophy. "Your dog's just won the contest, and moreover, you're automatically qualified to compete in the next round... the "Shaggiest Dog in the City" contest!

The little boy was very excited for his dog, knowing that by the time the next contest rolled around, it would be even shaggier. When the big day finally came, the little boy waited patiently for his dog to be judged. Eventually, the judge stopped in front of the dog, peered over the rims of his dark sunglasses, and said...

"Boy, that 's by far the shaggiest dog I've ever seen. How did that dog get to be so shaggy?"

"Well, that's easy," said the boy. "I've just never given him a haircut."

"Congratulations," said the judge, presenting the boy with a trophy. "Your dog's just won the contest, and moreover, you're automatically qualified to compete in the next round... the "Shaggiest Dog in the State" contest!

The little boy was very excited for his dog, knowing that by the time the next contest rolled around, it would be even shaggier. When the big day finally came, the little boy waited patiently for his dog to be judged. Eventually, the judge stopped in front of the dog, peered over the rims of his dark sunglasses, and said...

"Boy, that 's by far the shaggiest dog I've ever seen. How did that dog get to be so shaggy?"

"Well, that's easy," said the boy. "I've just never given him a haircut."

"Congratulations," said the judge, presenting the boy with a trophy. "Your dog's just won the contest, and moreover, you're automatically qualified to compete in the next round... the "Shaggiest Dog in the Country" contest!

The little boy was very excited for his dog, knowing that by the time the next contest rolled around, it would be even shaggier. When the big day finally came, the little boy waited patiently for his dog to be judged. Eventually, the judge stopped in front of the dog, peered over the rims of his dark sunglasses, and said...

"Boy, that 's by far the shaggiest dog I've ever seen. How did that dog get to be so shaggy?"

"Well, that's easy," said the boy. "I've just never given him a haircut."

"Congratulations," said the judge, presenting the boy with a trophy. "Your dog's just won the contest, and moreover, you're automatically qualified to compete in the next round... the "Shaggiest Dog in the World" contest!

The little boy was very excited for his dog, knowing that by the time the next contest rolled around, it would be even shaggier. When the big day finally came, the little boy waited patiently for his dog to be judged. Eventually, the judge stopped in front of the dog, peered over the rims of his dark sunglasses, and said...




"Boy, that dog isn't really all that shaggy."




------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ba ha... I've made so many long car trips miserable on account of that joke... but, let it be known...
if you're going to re-tell it, you have to PROMISE them (sometimes several times) that if they just hear it out, it'll be the funniest joke they've ever heard in their life.

[Doan the Nado]

grr...

[christi]

That bad, eh... ? Although given the nature of this topic, I guess bad is good...

At any rate, maybe I can redeem myself...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Two baseball teams with a long-standing rivalry were scheduled to face each other in a championship game.

The Bears were an all-around good team; no single player was particularly better than any of the others.

The Tigers, on the other hand, relied on the superior talent of their pitcher, Sergio Milfayme, to carry them through the season.

It was the bottom of the ninth, the bases were loaded, and the score was tied 5-5. If the Bears could just manage to score one run, victory was theirs! And, as luck would have it, Ryan Schlitz, the smallest player on the team, was up to bat.

Schlitz crouched down, waited for the ball, and WHOOSH! The first pitch went right over his head!

"BALL ONE!" cried the umpire.

The next three pitches went the same way. Because Schlitz was so small, the pitcher was literally unable to throw within his strike zone. As Schlitz trotted victoriously towards first base, his team rushed the field, lifted the small player up on their shoulders, and shouted...



"Hooray for Schlitz... the Bear that made Milfayme walk us!"