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Poetry
Dec 27, 2004 21:15:23 GMT -5
Post by vespuleth on Dec 27, 2004 21:15:23 GMT -5
because i havent written in a while, i will post some poetry. i have a few stories that i need to write down, so when i do, ill put them up here.
Echo
Theres a hollow happiness Inside that sound It seems a public persona at least you found You found a niche You fit just right It makes too much sense You cant sleep at night Convince Yourself That its okay It all fits together You fit in this way Heart calls you away but you cannot hear the beat of the crowd plays in your ear louder you get heart's voice to drown It's too bad youve become Just a voice of the crowd
so yeah... leave feedback.
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Sion
RPGM2 Helper
The Prodigal has returned!
Hero of the forsaken winds...
Posts: 152
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Poetry
Dec 28, 2004 0:12:16 GMT -5
Post by Sion on Dec 28, 2004 0:12:16 GMT -5
thats cool,.. I like how its another one of thoes rhyming ones.. I can make poetry too... Can I use that poem in one of my games Ves?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Poetry
Dec 28, 2004 2:04:15 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2004 2:04:15 GMT -5
jimmy crowd!
yes, I'd say it's very good. sounds like the crowd isn't referring to a jimmy crowd. It's also good because it is something most everyone could relate to.
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Poetry
Dec 28, 2004 22:03:18 GMT -5
Post by Dungeon Warden on Dec 28, 2004 22:03:18 GMT -5
Not the greatest bit of poerty, but an interesting message none the less. The poem should have more imagry and your lines feel broken in places (try to read the poem quickly and you'll see what I mean). I like it and I don't like it. I can't really put my finger on what I don't like. Sorry I'm not being helpful. Post a few more poems and maybe I'll start to see a pattern - or not.
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Poetry
Dec 29, 2004 23:15:49 GMT -5
Post by vespuleth on Dec 29, 2004 23:15:49 GMT -5
the broken lines are purposeful. as for imagery... i dont know that i was trying to paint a picture... but maybe im missing something. i havent written poetry in a while, and i dont do it often, so i dont know how many other poems you will see. but one of these days ill drage some of my writing out, and maybe some poems w/ it.
oh, and holyflame, id rather you didnt use it in your game. if you want me to write a poem for your game, just let me know what you want it to be about.
if it must be this poem, let me know.
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Poetry
Jan 11, 2005 10:43:28 GMT -5
Post by The Final Rune on Jan 11, 2005 10:43:28 GMT -5
My main 'medium' is poetry, so I already like this poem, and felt I'd contribute one of my own.
(And ves, if you wanted this to be a personal site for your stuff, just let me know and I'll delete it.)
PRETTY GIRLS
Pretty girls make stupid men Drool on their feet They dream about touching them While playing with their meat
I often think that maybe Girls know what they do When they get all the men Shouting I love you
I bet they love to giggle I bet they love to laugh Because they seem to know That they’re the better half
I wouldn’t be surprised If they thought it just a game But I guess I have to realize We’re probably the ones to blame
We men for being stupid Let the girls make all the rules So I suppose it’s all right For them to make us fools
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Poetry
Jan 11, 2005 12:25:57 GMT -5
Post by Doan the Nado on Jan 11, 2005 12:25:57 GMT -5
To ves: I like the feeling of your poem, and the meaning that it conveys. It does a good job of making the reader feel the sense of loss of individuality. The word choice is great, and I especially like, "You fit just right / It makes too much sense / You can't sleep at night," as it does a wonderful job at showing the feeling of one who's swept up in the ways of the masses. One negative for me was the lack of punctuation, as that is really what is supposed to tell you how to read a poem. Line structure doesn't mean a whole lot, but the way it's punctuated helps to make the poem make more sense. I thought line 4 felt a bit awkward (the "at least" makes the statement feel weird), but other than that, they were pretty good. If it's okay with you, I'll copy the poem in another post and make some changes that I feel would improve it a lot, just so you can see what I'm talking about.
To FinalRune: For me, the "While playing with their meat" line robbed what was otherwise a good poem of its credibility. I understand what you were trying to convey, but I think there are better ways to do it, especially if you could use some kind of symbol or metaphor. Your poem's meaning and message were pretty good, but it seemed like you were trying to go with a structured style. The 4-line stanzas with the abcb rhyme scheme was just fine, but if you're going to write structured poetry like that, you also have to take care to pay attention to the meter. I'm sure you probably are aware of what I'm talking about, but for those who aren't, here's what I mean:
Inside the house there was a mouse.
Note how the syllables alternate in their accents:
in SIDE the HOUSE there WAS a MOUSE.
This gives the poem a distinct rhythm and helps make it flow better. The example above is one of iambic meter. There are a few other common forms (of which I can't remember the name), and here's one of them:
I hope somebody helps me before I go mad, For I'm feeling so lonely, unbearably sad.
This has a 2 unaccent, 1 accent pattern:
i hope SOME bo dy HELPS me be FORE i go MAD for i'm FEEL ing so LONE ly , un BEAR a bly SAD
Not all poems require such meter, but in a structured one, it is almost expected, and I thought yours seemed a bit cumbersome without it.
Both poems were good reads, however, and I thank you both for sharing them. It makes me want to write some more poetry of my own, or at least share some of that which I have written.
Sorry I didn't reply to this sooner...
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Poetry
Jan 11, 2005 12:31:12 GMT -5
Post by Doan the Nado on Jan 11, 2005 12:31:12 GMT -5
Hmm... I think I have to share a piece of my work. This is the best poem I have here in my apartment with me. I shared it with ves a while back, but I'd be curious to know what a few others think of it:
You consume me. Why? Is it your body? The perfect beauty that you emanate? The most beautiful face To grace The world. Am I obsessed with the superficial you? Or something deeper, Something true? These things I wonder And ponder While yonder sits the one I'm with, Reflecting equally my love. Perfection doesn't grace her frame, And beauty doesn't claim her face, But I mean more to her Than I could ever hope to mean to you. And she has something you don't have: Reluctantly she loves me true.
I wrote this poem when I was finally moving on from my old girlfriend (first real love) to my current love. I said "beauty doesn't claim her face" mainly for the poetic value of it (grace her frame, / ...claim her face), for as you've seen in pictures of her, my girlfriend Hayley is truly beautiful (at least I think so). Anyways, yeah, that's what this poem is about, moving on from a girl I loved who didn't love me back nearly as much, to one who truly cares about me. Let me know if you like it (or if you don't).
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Poetry
Jan 11, 2005 14:24:20 GMT -5
Post by Dungeon Warden on Jan 11, 2005 14:24:20 GMT -5
Great poem, Doan! You're comments suggest you know something about poetry, and your poem proves it.
I find the last line odd "Reluctantly she loves me true." How does someone love true reluctantly? Perhaps you meant to use a different word. Regardless, you should find a different word to express your meaning.
Here's a fun poem I wrote a while back:
The Three Strings
A long piece of string walks into a bar. He's being brave, thinks he'll get far. The bartender looks at the string's skinny self And decides to keep the beer on the shelf.
"We don't serve string here," he says in a huff. "It might not seem fair that our policy 's tough, but you can't stay here. You'll have to go." So he picks the string up, and outside, he does throw.
The string has two brothers, String One and String Two, and he says to them both, "Now, what should we do?" String Two has the answer; he thinks it up quick. "I'll get into the bar. I know just the trick."
The string slithers in, just like a snake. The bartender laughs. "Oh, for goodness sake. You can't come in here. We do not serve string!" He picks up the brother, and out the door, he does fling.
The third brother string thinks for a while, and has an idea. "I'll go in with style." He twists himself up, looping here, looping there, Then he gets a big comb and musses his hair.
String Three enters, feeling quite proud. The bartender spots him in the crowd. "I see you, String. You have been caught." "Me, a string? I'm a frayed knot."
Hope you like it.
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Poetry
Jan 11, 2005 14:47:30 GMT -5
Post by vespuleth on Jan 11, 2005 14:47:30 GMT -5
DW, i liked your poem. it reminded me of some other poems ive read, and further emphasizes the fact that your target audience should be children. you seem to have a good imagination. doan: you know how i feel about your poem. i really like the form. i could never pull something so... ambitious (?) off. and very poetic. lots of my poetry sacrifices that, and its rather beautiful in yours. finalrune: if your poem didnt have the first 'stanza', id say it was excellent. but that first stanza ruins it for me. it seems to have been forced. and while form isnt as necessary to me as doans, i do agree w/ him that some sort of rhythm would have improved on it. doan again: sorry about the punctuation problem. i dont ever capitalize or puncuate in poetry, so that when i do, the importance of it is clear. ('until the last petal falls' is my best example of this) i can rewrite it punctuated, if youd like. as far as the 'at least'. the line is: a public persona at least youve found the message im trying to convey is that w/ all the ... harmful things theyve done to their personality, they have at least managed to attain the goal of fitting in. im surprised that line 4 was the one that bothered you. the one that bothered me was line 11 (the 'all') for some reason. final rune, this thread was to post poetry, just as it has been used. i figured we had a short story thread, a poetry thread was probably worth making. doan, feel free to copy and edit and post. (just dont butcher, it k? it may be bad, but consider me picasso )
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Poetry
Jan 11, 2005 14:51:15 GMT -5
Post by vespuleth on Jan 11, 2005 14:51:15 GMT -5
erm... right. doans read this one. its old. its bad. enjoy. Will You Love Me Come Tomorrow You are all i have not lost hold my hand it will be alright ill fight for you until im gone if youll just love me through the night i cannot carry this burden alone i cannot make myself ask you to help this weight is more then i can hold i need to quit trying to do this by myself weve already been through near too much sank all the stepping stones of love its all we have, we cant lose touch because ill never get enough i cannot do this thing alone hold my hand, we'll carry on soon we'll make it to the home the we have gone so far beyond i look back at all weve done afraid to crawl, fall, or lose some blood but we've ran out of room to run my mistakes, dont hold a grudge the sun sets on our mistakes back to back i guess we stay i cant see the path to take i wish i could just see your face why is all of this so hard why's love taste so much like sorrow lets build unconditional positive regard and will you still love me come tomorrow oh yeah, and its long (i have some longer ones, but i dont know that ill ever type them up.) sorry guys, shoulda warned you first, guess.
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Poetry
Jan 11, 2005 16:47:19 GMT -5
Post by NASH7777 on Jan 11, 2005 16:47:19 GMT -5
A good rhythm like Iambic Pentameter makes for a good poem. I've had a few peoms published in books in my life. I'll have to find the original thing but it went something like this:
Winter breeze on tops of trees, no-one around to see it.
Thunder crash and rain went splash, no-one around to hear it.
etc....
Sun above, went a dove, no-one around to see it.
The poem puts the imagery of a winter Mt. Forest type area, and sorta depicts what happens there and yet no-one is there to spectate it.
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Poetry
Jan 11, 2005 17:18:28 GMT -5
Post by Doan the Nado on Jan 11, 2005 17:18:28 GMT -5
A few people to address...
DW: I agree with ves. Your poem was imaginative and delightful (as James Lipton would say). It reminded me of a Dr. Seuss book, and that is certainly a good thing. I feel like you should really give writing children's stories a go.
As for the "Reluctantly she loves me true" line, that was purely intentional. I meant it exactly as it was written, as I'm implying that the best love is that which we have no power to stop. Even if she wanted to stop loving me, she is powerless to. This is what I was trying to convey. I felt precisely that way about my ex-girlfriend (the one I'm moving on from in the poem), so it was nice for me to experience the same emotions coming from someone else, directed towards me.
Ves: I think that, "a public persona at least you've found" sounds great, but I don't think it sounds good to say, "It seems a public persona at least you've found". If the "It seems" was actually supposed to be read with the previous sentence. If not, I think the "It seems" somehow conflicts with the "at least", I'm not sure why. "It all fits together" sounds good to me, but personally I don't like the repetition that is in line 4/5 and line 11/12, although it works fine as a poetic element and I'm sure that others might better appreciate it.
And your second poem is beautiful. It is a good example of a structured poem that follows neither a strict rhyme scheme (a lot of slant rhyme) nor a strict meter, but pulls it off very well. I especially like the final two lines.
Nash: Your poem seems pretty good, but I would of course need to see more before I make any real judgements on it.
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Poetry
Jan 11, 2005 17:55:41 GMT -5
Post by christi on Jan 11, 2005 17:55:41 GMT -5
Hm... how'd I miss this thread?
This one's about four years old, but I've always kind of liked it...
alone at last, she stretches out on a grassy tuft not far from here an upwards gaze towards a vast night sky stirs memories of long-past years
as silent tears give way to screams and a bittersweet surrender as she finally comes to realize that she'll feel this way forever
alone at last, she wastes away as she's forced to face her pain and those memories of long-past years cause old wounds to ache again
and yet...
an unseen hand wipes away her tears and as the sun begins to rise she thinks of the misery cloaked in the night and again casts her gaze to the skies
reluctant to live in this charade so many secrets left untold she's simply bursting with love for him but her heart still feels so cold...
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Poetry
Jan 11, 2005 20:40:14 GMT -5
Post by vespuleth on Jan 11, 2005 20:40:14 GMT -5
doan, thank you for you praise of that poem. its not one that many people like. i did do alot of approximate rhyme in it. i didnt realize it until you said something. i guess i do quite a bit of that though.
anyways, the 4/5 and 11/12 thing:
thanks for your honesty. what does everyone else think? it is indeed an attempted poetic element, a kind of emphasis.
nash: like doan said, need more. but what you have posted seems very artistic, like a good painting. you should type the rest of it up.
christi: i like it, although i think it misses something. i would say another verse, but it finishes well. im not sure. but good imagery. vague enough to make the reader wonder, and clear enough to identify the pain, which seems to be the focus of the poem. it also ends on a bittersweet note, which is my favorite. not dissillusioned to be positive, not so depressed to be negative. contemplative. i think the last two lines are genious in their contrast. good work.
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Poetry
Jan 13, 2005 0:17:58 GMT -5
Post by vespuleth on Jan 13, 2005 0:17:58 GMT -5
*deleted*
i decided i didnt like this one enough to post it.
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Poetry
Feb 12, 2005 5:25:18 GMT -5
Post by vespuleth on Feb 12, 2005 5:25:18 GMT -5
i wanted to keep this topic around, so it got moved here...
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