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Post by tigger on Feb 6, 2005 22:05:47 GMT -5
Hi my name is tigger, and i am making a game called Rune Stone. The story behind this is that a king named King Jevlous had a Rune Stone, very big one, and a man named Velnorm stole this rune stone and broke it up into 18 peices and put it in 18 monsters, because the only way he could die was if those 18 monsters were killed and they were so powerful that nobody atempted to kill them because they were scared of there secret powers. After the rune stone was stolen King Jevlous sent a man named Zell to get all of the pieces back so that it could be safe again. When Zell is to find all 18 peices Velnorm will die because all of the monsters will be dead, and that is a nother reason why the king wanted Zell to go on this journey. When Zell is done with this journey there will be no worries about the rune stone getting stolen and Zell will be rewarded 241,000 chillings. thank you for reading this and have a nice day!!
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Post by Tinbok on Feb 6, 2005 22:15:32 GMT -5
I can't really say much about it. I have some questions though...
[glow=navy,99,999]1. What exactly is a Rune Stone? 2. Why did Velnorm break it in 18 pieces when he could have put it in one monster and make it all powerful? 3. What other reason did the King send Zell to go on the journey? 4. Is there more to the story? Or does Zell have to kill these 18 monsters and the game ends?[/glow]
These are pretty much all the questions I have.
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Post by Aaron on Feb 6, 2005 22:21:36 GMT -5
More details, please. You are summarizing way too much. If you give more details, your game will not sound as dumb. No offense, just trying to help.
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Post by Tinbok on Feb 6, 2005 22:23:00 GMT -5
I agree with Aaron, I don't want to sound mean, but if you gave much more details your game would sound much better.
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Post by tigger on Feb 6, 2005 22:39:30 GMT -5
well, a ancient magic rock would be a rune stone i guess... he made it 18 because he wanted it to be hard to find all pieces. had it been one, and it died, he had lower odds of living. The king sent Zell because he hated Zell, and thought the journey would kill him. The king was mad because he was soon to be exiled and Zell was soon to take throne, so, he eliminated competition. No, there is more, but that is to see when i make the game
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Post by tigger on Feb 6, 2005 22:52:34 GMT -5
Any suggestions that you guys think would make it better are welcome as well though i guess.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2005 23:35:59 GMT -5
Getting rid of the whole entire thing and start fresh. Pretty much any start'll be better than right off of one of the oldest cliche-with-no-change's in the book. Look through this for many cliche examples: project-apollo.net/text/rpg.html
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Post by Dungeon Warden on Feb 7, 2005 16:38:08 GMT -5
I don't know. Even if the story is a little cliche, it's the nuts and bolts game play that will make or break the game.
I do have a few questions though:
1) Who is Velnorm exactly? Why does anyone care if he lives or dies?
2) I can understand why the king would want to get rid of any threat to the throne (this includes sending Zell to kill Velnorm - since both are potential threats) but why would Zell go along with this? What reason does he have to follow the king's orders (considing the king doen't like him), risk his life, and kill someone who's only crime is stealing a rune stone? I understand it might not be a good idea to leave someone who's immortal to run around loose but considing what he'll have to go though, it might not be worth risking his life over. 241,000 chillings (why the odd number?) sounds like a lot, but what good is it if he's dead?
3) Who is Zell? Is he the kind of person who actually has a chance against some of the world's most powerful monsters? Could he raise a small army to help him in his quest? It sounds a bit foolish for him to go alone. I understand this is a staple of RPGs but there is usually a reason the hero has to go alone or with a few close friends (no one believes the danger, the hero is a fugitive, the hero has a special ability (Ex. time travel in Crono Trigger) that only allows a small group to go on the quest, etc.)
4) I don't understand the part about the king being exiled and Zell taking the throne. There is no historic precedence for this sort of thing (usually a king would be exiled (if he wasn't executed first) if he lost a revolt - in which case he wouldn't be king anymore regardless of who was next in line). Maybe you mean that the king is afraid that Zell will start a revolt and have him exiled because Jevlous isn't well liked while Zell is. This would make more sense.
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Post by Neo Samurai on Feb 7, 2005 17:09:34 GMT -5
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Post by christi on Feb 7, 2005 18:13:00 GMT -5
A few points to ponder:
1.) I'll be honest; retrieving eighteen pieces of a stone from, more than likely, eighteen different locations would probably be a bit of a turn-off to most gamers, especially if it made clear that this is the sole objective from the beginning of the game. Think about Fu-Ma, the game that came with RPGM2. I've tried to play it about five times; four of which I've turned it off in the middle of the mushroom-collecting quest right at the beginning. It just didn't hold my interest at all.
However, this could work. There's just going to have to be a lot more to it. (I know you said that you have more storyline written than what you've presented us; I'm just reiterating.) An incredibly engrossing storyline, interesting party members, diverse battles, and difficult/strategic puzzles will all help to add to your game and make it feel less like it's one big fetch quest.
2.) I'm interested to know how Velnorm broke a stone into eighteen pieces and put it in eighteen monsters. I'm thinking tranquilizers and microchip-type implants might be the only feasible way to do this; I'm not sure.
3.) What, precisely, would cause Velnorm to die when the stone is put back together? I'm assuming that he's either linked to, or drawing powers from the stone fragments, but... does he just drop dead the second the last monster is killed? After the stone is put back together? If he's drawing power from the stone fragments, might his powers actually INCREASE after the stone is put back together? I could see an interesting plot twist there, but I don't know if I could stand the agony of knowing I'd just spent hours collecting stone fragments, only to have Velnorm increase in power. I dunno. Heck, if you can make it work...
4.) I'm confused about the King's motive for sending Zell on the journey. At first, you say that he's sent because the King wants his rune stone recovered, but then you say the King sends Zell because he hates him and wants him to die on the journey. Unless I'm misunderstanding, I don't think both can happen. So, which does he want?
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Post by tigger on Feb 7, 2005 18:15:15 GMT -5
Will: I am not really planning to trash this idea, because i haven't heard of much games with this story (haven't played alot of rpgs' though, so bear w/me) DW: Velnorm is the Rune Stone Theft, and it's basically greed, as it's worth quite abit (kinda like the royal crowns or whatever in britain) so the king Jevlous sent Zell to go kill him. but, as the name entitles, there are powers to the Runestone, as, since he stole it, Velnorm has imortality. But, that only lasts as long as the Runestone isn't put back together, so, he split it up into eighteen shards and used the bodies of enemies to hold them. Since the WHOLE runestone grants imortality, the shard can only give portion of the stregnth. Zell accepts because he was just ordered to, and yes, there are other units of armies to help him (many different party members to interchange from) Zell, in all reality, has no chance against any of the enemies, but, that's why he rounds up other men (he bluffs and boasts strength) he basically follows the orders because he isn't exactly in the fortune five hundreds, and a reward is dealt (there were banners explaining this in town, but as no one accepted, the King decided to try to eliminate rivalry) plus, Zell doesn't exactly believe in much folklore of monsters and such. and yes, the king is afraid that Zell will start a Revolt as Zell somewhat knows the king
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Post by christi on Feb 7, 2005 19:22:47 GMT -5
...there are powers to the Runestone, as, since he stole it, Velnorm has imortality. But, that only lasts as long as the Runestone isn't put back together, so, he split it up into eighteen shards and used the bodies of enemies to hold them. Since the WHOLE runestone grants imortality, the shard can only give portion of the stregnth. I'm... confused again. Velnorm has immortality because he stole the runestone, and this immortality only lasts as long as the runestone is split up. You then go on to say that the WHOLE runestone is what grants immortality, and it's not whole if it's split up, right? So, how does the immortality factor in?
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Post by doyleman on Feb 7, 2005 19:27:19 GMT -5
Woah, hehe... *PLEASE DO NOT GO OFF SAYING TIGGER IS ME* Tigger is my other Brother; Jayden (refer to "About us memeber board") and he kinda made the story up in 5 minutes, i told him he should try thinking up more bout the story, but guess he ended up reversing a couple things.... I should talk to him about thinking about a story before posting it,
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2005 19:35:29 GMT -5
Pretty much every RPG before FF6/MarioRPG/ChronoTrigger/TacticsOgre:LUCT (all pretty close releases) had this exact storyline with different names. Christi's completely right: the 18 (my God, 18, are you ****ing serious?!) locations to go to with zero (ZERO!!!!!) story development besides 'i got a crystal piece!' (durh!) is a turn off to everyone. Everything you've posted is completely unoriginal (not to mention unbelievable because of all the discrepencies the others are pointing out, and poorly developed to where everyone that reads it has numerous unanswered and unexplained questions), hence my advice is to read that cliche list, read Link05's story topic, and spend more time to develop and post a story than 5 minutes. My main piece of advice in my post at Link05's story topic is to never be afraid to scrap anything you've thought of/created, and that's my main piece of advice to you now.
I saw that you're 14 in your profile, so I can understand not having played many older RPGs, but I'm only 17 so I figure you'd know enough to know all the negatives of your story. And, even then, Christi's only played FFX (X-2?), yet her story/characters show great potential, is original, and well developed, so I know it's possible to make a good story without much RPG-playing experience. That is, if you try (refer to first paragraph again).
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Post by doyleman on Feb 7, 2005 19:44:27 GMT -5
well, most of the rpg's we have are TBS, and he hates the idea of waiting... he likes Action based, prob. is that i have my own game to worry bout, and he has his. So, it's not that he hasn't played alot, he more or less didn't FINISH any of them *he got to mihen highroad/sinspawn battle at it, then quit playing FFX* I will try working with him on making scrips and stories and such and point out what is boring and what seems neat, thank you guys for introducing yourselves to my brother and giving the time to tell him these things *he watches me while i am on this site, so that's how he found out, and got into making games*
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2005 19:45:59 GMT -5
Haha, for once I have evidence that he thought it up in 5 minutes.
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Post by doyleman on Feb 7, 2005 19:50:41 GMT -5
*sighs hope he doesn't take this the wrong way *goes tell jayden that he needs to actually THINK of a story*
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Post by Tinbok on Feb 7, 2005 19:53:26 GMT -5
My only advice is to maybe write your story down on some paper like I never did! Also, look up some cliche' lists and see some of the things on these sites. In my topic "Cliches" in the Spam Forum, me and Christi have two sites you could visit. Will's earlier post has the same one Christi posted. Mine wasn't as good and has more cussing, but some of them you can relate too pretty well. One more thing you should know: we don't want to be mean when we critizize you. We're just letting you know some things to watch out for when your making your game. Everyones' game has flaws so don't feel depressed (probably talking to myself at this point ;D) if you think you're the only one. Hope this helps a little.
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Post by Neo Samurai on Feb 7, 2005 20:07:33 GMT -5
Never be afraid to listen to the advice of others. Go for what you like, what inspires you to make a game. And check out my post. My story was critisized as well (pointing out cliches/bad story plots that should have been left out), but it helped me out a lot. And I feel much more comfortable with my story idea.
So, even if you feel like your story is being bashed, try taking the advice we give you, because, in the long run, you may find you like your story much better.
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Post by Doan the Nado on Feb 8, 2005 1:47:49 GMT -5
First of all, I want to welcome you to the site and wish you the best of luck in making whatever game you choose. I think everyone's interest in your idea is enough proof that you have something on your hands, it's just a matter of what you're going to do with it. I agree with Will and Christi that 18 fragments seems a bit extreme. If you want to make a good, quick RPG for your first one to get experience, I think your idea is just fine, scaled down to about 6-8 fragments perhaps.
Like Christi said, if you can include puzzles and some interesting character development and plot twists, your story could turn out very good, cliche or not. Be sure to iron out some of the details so that the story seems consistent and "believable" and as DW said, work hard on getting the gameplay and the mechanics good. If you can do those things, I think you may have a good first game on your hands.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2005 4:15:08 GMT -5
If you HAPPEN to keep this story premise, one way to lessen the negatives of the 4-18 fragments/etc. is to make either ally or enemy NPC's obtain some on their own. What I mean is make NPC's collect all but one, then have the main character get the last one only. Perhaps there are other characters, that the main character doesn't know if they're good or bad, also collecting these fragments for who knows why.
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Post by tigger on Feb 8, 2005 12:42:14 GMT -5
Hello this is tigger and i gave up on the idea of the rune stone game so i'll give a nother game a shot, and don't worrie its my own idea this time Will. so hear it goes. ok im making a game called (Dynasty Magic) if you will, the idea of this game is:, there was an emporer his name was Emporer Kusuaiu and he had 6 very antcient medalians stolen from him by a man named Ysluniau and the reason he stole them was for a very special ritual called the Inogashi Ritual and the reason for this was that Ysluniau would be immortal for the rest of time. And that is why he stole them your objective is to get them back befor the Ritual happends, and if you dont get them in a madder of time(you will have lots of time in the game to find them, dont worrie)you will have to find a way to counter the Ritual and if you dont you will have to find a way to kill Ysluniau. In the game you are a person called Skaruia you will be the one to do all of this, the second reason why Ysluiau wants to do the ritual is because befor that happend he was goin to get killed by a army of the Japaneis (hat is were you live right now). yYou were picked for this mission because you were known as one of the best fighters of all japan, and also because yuo did not want a man to be in control of japan because he couldnt die. and no this is not the end of the game when you beat the theft you will go to sleep that day and wake up and it will say 10 years later. When you wake up there is a trajety going on because the family found out that Ysluiau was not the only one to be immmortal but so were a whole bunch of other people that helped with the Ritual and now you have to help your family out of the country befor you all get killed adn if you dont make it in time....... you will be held in prison and 2 days after that you will exacuted in a torture chamber so you better hurrie up and find a way out or else your screwed.
(please give advice if you will but dont take it to hard on me thank you all
ti double guh er thats
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2005 13:55:15 GMT -5
Well, it still seems like you didn't read the cliche list or Link05's story topic, and that you thought up this story as you were posting it.
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Post by Dungeon Warden on Feb 8, 2005 15:23:33 GMT -5
It sounds like you took the old story and rewrote it so it's basically the same with less confusing details - except what's the ten years latter stuff? It sounds like the character fails and has to wait ten years to redeem himself. It might be interesting if the player has a chance to get some of the medallions and weaken the ritual. Then depending on how the first part goes, the second part would be harder or easier. That would make the game more original.
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Post by Neo Samurai on Feb 8, 2005 15:37:00 GMT -5
I agree with Will and DW. Your story still feels like your regular "let's collect the ancient artifacts and save the world" kind of game. You should really think about checking out my story topic and the cliche list that Will posted earlier. I know you can create a good story if you just give it some time. Don't be in such a rush to create one. When you feel like you don't have any good ideas, just stop writing and do something else. When you come to it later, you may find that you have much more to write. If you really want to do the whole Zelda-like game, I think it may be a very good idea to look at the Grand List of Cliches. "Collecting the artifacts"-like storyplots are some of the oldest and most overdone plot devices in many games. If you want to make a good story around this overdone idea, you should try to keep in as many of your own original story elements as possible. Anyway, good luck on making your game!
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